FEBRUARY: Relational Generosity
There are many ways to happily meet the needs of your loved ones. Think love languages, and how showing your love in the way someone prefers can also bring you joy.
Sometimes it’s easy to generously express appreciation, like when the emotional gain outweighs the cost. Other things are harder to give, like when we feel depleted or neglected. We can withhold affection when we are not getting what we need from a loved one. By withdrawing to protect ourselves from further disappointment, we miss our partner’s attempts to repair and connect.
Affirming your loved one’s efforts even when it’s not perfect is what Dr. Terry Real calls ‘celebrating the glass 15% full.’ If the glass was 5% full before, 15% is a good gain. We naturally do this with our children, and it works in our primary relationship as well.
This thinking is consistent with relational experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman, who advocate for a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative feedback EVERY DAY. The best way to get more of what you want is to appreciate what you are already getting. Whatever we give energy to, or pay attention to, grows and becomes more.
Choose an important or primary relationship for this discussion. When (in what conditions) do you feel emotionally generous in this relationship?
What are some ways you interact to fill each other’s cup?
What gestures of affection and appreciation are an emotional lift for you?
Are there times or ways you “withhold” generosity in this relationship? Do you know why or what triggers the impulse to withhold?
What gestures on your behalf could actively increase the love quotient this month?